Relish the Moment

There is something about the desert. Something that is hard to put into words. The telescope I'm working on is on one of the highest points of the mountain, so there are some spectacular views. I walked up here by myself this evening, so I had a chance to stop and actually take in the view. Take in the beauty. Take in the stillness. Even with a breeze, looking out at a hazy desert landscape at sunset brings a sense of silence, of peace. It is difficult to not ponder about Something More during that moment.

I took a deep breath and allowed myself to sink into the surroundings, into that moment. My senses were heightened and I began to take notice of the direction of the breeze, the color of the brush, the call of hawks down in the valley, the way the sunset cast shadows on the hills below, the color of the light itself. And all of this was wrapped in a feeling of peace, of stillness, of belonging. I was thankful for the opportunity to witness such beauty. I knew that if my only reason for coming here was to be part of that moment, that was reason enough.

Then I looked down at the rock wall in front of me and was caught offguard. Right next to me was a whole mess of red ants working away. Dozens of ants, each with a specific job, carrying their load or heading off to their next destination. Moving in and out of the hole leading to their hidden world below. There I was standing in awe of the majesty of my surroundings, the silence of it all, and the world was busy and active right beneath my feet.

It seems insignificant, but those little diligent ants made a world of difference to me in that moment. Those ants were carrying out their routine, what they know as their life's purpose, and I'm sure they were doing their job well. They don't know how not to do their job well. But they also don't know of the world beyond their own, of the beauty and majesty that lay beyond their anthill, of the possibility for stillness in a world of work. I know I'm pushing this here because of course the ants have no concept of the World. But how often are we like those ants? Just pushing forward and pushing onward, completely oblivious to the beauty that is directly in front of us?

We consistently fail to pay attention. The fact that it took me several minutes to notice the ants that were less than six inches from me is partial proof. We fail to pay attention in so many ways because we have our way, our routine, and our own answers. And these are (of course) the best answers, otherwise we wouldn't call them our own. How are we supposed to be able to listen and learn from Someone who knows better if we are already shut down?

Being busy and being occupied is what this world demands, it is what is expected. But I don't think Answers can be found in the ways of this world. Otherwise we wouldn't all be so lost.

Caffeine is my friend

I'm in Arizona right now at Kitt Peak National Observatory doing an observing run with some other people affiliated with my internship this summer. It's absolutely amazing, but it doesn't give me many opportunities to post. So, I'll be on sporadically these next several days, but I have been thinking about lots of things that will hopefully come later. So, until then....

We're all on the same bus (or plane...)

Today I experienced some truly awful airplane turbulence. Really horrible. It was on our descent, when all you want is to be back on the ground (or, I do anyway). I started to get nauseous, which I haven't done while flying since I was 10 years old. It was the kind of combination of nausea and fear that creates a thin film of sweat over your entire body and you are certain if you could get to a mirror your skin would have a tinge of green. Not fun.

I have realized in the past year or so that every time you step onto an airplane, you are confronting your mortality head on. It doesn't have to be a conscious realization of course, but you confront it all the same. If something happens everyone is going down whether you thought about it before take-off or not. This is kind of a morbid train of thought, but I don't know how to get around it. Really, I think it comes down to the fact that I'm paranoid about many things, it just becomes a matter of what I allow others to see.

Isn't it strange how we can compartmentalize our world? We separate our existence into what we're allowed to see, what others are allowed to see, and then the ever-so-mysterious stuff that you even hide from yourself. There are so many secrets and details that I have hidden below my "exterior" surface, the one I present to the world, the image I have created for myself. All of those secrets and details are organized (of course) into a complicated mess of hallways, rooms, and trapdoors. And within all of that, I imagine a kind soul walking around, quietly knocking on the doors I have bolted shut. Eventually, love unlocks the door, and love stays despite what is found in there.

I do not have enough power over words to even attempt to convey that experience. It begins with gratitude, but it is so much more.

I need some Windex up in here

I think I need a profile pic. But I don't want to put up an actual picture of me, because I think that's tacky. I have facebook to post random pictures of myself. I'd rather have something "artsy" but that's probably just as tacky. Or just cliche. Hopefully I'll find a suitable picture eventually.

So, since I'm going to be a senior in college this September, I have some decisions to make. This summer was supposed to help me with that, but I think I'm going to end up more confused than when I began. I'm doing an astrophysics internship to see what it's actually like living a life of research. I go to a private, liberal-arts college that doesn't provide many research opportunities. They don't even offer a B.S. in physics, only a B.A. (Don't get me wrong though, it is a fantastic school. I wouldn't go anywhere else. Check it out here.) This internship is an incredible gift to see where I could be headed if I decide to go to grad school for astronomy. But now that I'm here I've realized that I'm somewhat behind the game when it comes to researching grad schools and studying for the Physics GRE. Or maybe that's just compared to the other people in my program, I'm not really sure.

Honestly, I'm not overwhelmed by the possibility of going to grad school and having to pick up the pace regarding the application process. I know I can handle that, no problem. The issue is that I don't feel necessarily compelled to go in any direction whatsoever. Yeah, grad school could be cool, I think I could do it, but am I supposed to? Or am I supposed to teach? Or am I supposed to scrap this physics stuff altogether? I really don't know, and I'm not feeling pulled one way or another. I have been told by many people that I am so blessed to have as many gifts and talents as I do, but it is making this stage of my life fairly difficult.

Another problem - I feel like I have an understanding of my talents, abilities, and gifts, but I have no clue how they are supposed to play together to help me live out my calling. And I don't mean a super-specific calling, like I am supposed to teach here, go travel to this country, or volunteer with this organization. I believe that we are redeemed so that we can then help redeem the world, and how we play into that plan is our calling. The world of my scientific interests, spiritual beliefs, and random talents puts me in quite the confusing situation. What am I supposed to do with what I have been given?

I have a problem with being patient, if you couldn't tell already. I need to work on that. However, I do trust that things will be revealed to me when they are meant to be. This intermediary phase is still really tough though.

In the Prince of Egypt (awesome movie!), one of the songs has a line "A single thread in a tapestry, though its color brightly shines, can never see its purpose in the pattern of the grand design". That line is heavy with truth. But where am I meant to shine? I can't see forward, am I supposed to look back? Couldn't I just peek through the window and shed some light on these decisions I have before me?

Or, could I be blocking my own view?

The only place to start is at the beginning

Some people think the only reason to blog is because you have this weird desire to share your life with strangers. Others think it's just a cry for attention. Those aren't my reasons, but if that's what other people think, so be it. I can't change their opinions, so there's no point in fretting about them.

I started this blog because I like to journal and typing is faster than writing. I'm headed into my senior year of college and have no real clue where I'm supposed to be headed or what I should do with this life I have been given, and the time I have to make some important decisions is decreasing rapidly. That is a frightening prospect on even the simplest levels. There is pressure from all directions to make the right decision, be successful (whatever that means), and make the most of my education. For the first time, the next step isn't obvious. There are so many options, so many possibilities. That can be exhilarating or terrifying, but most days I find it's both.

I have always found that I can more easily analyze my thoughts and learn about myself through writing, even though I'm awful at it. (See, I just finished a sentence with a preposition. Go me.) So, through this blog I will be able to blurt out my thoughts, frustrations, and random ramblings dealing with whatever is on my mind, and hopefully that will help me figure out some stuff. What stuff? That's a good question...I guess we'll find out.

But what about journaling? Isn't writing with a real pen on real paper more romantic, more personal, more valued? Don't we lose something when everything is filtered through the electronic world, clamping words into pixels and thoughts within an HTML page? Yes, that may be true, so I still plan on writing in my journal as often as I am compelled to. My journal is the most personal expression of myself, where I scribble out dreams, hopes, fears, prayers, and questions. Some of that is appropriate for a blog, some of it isn't. But it all needs to be written down somehow.

When you get down to it, the reality is that despite my private liberal arts education, despite my life experiences, and despite the fact that people keep telling me I'm "smart", I don't know a damn thing. But I need to figure it out.

Socrates once said "The more I learn, the more I learn how little I know".

Ain't that the truth.