"Scene"

Loneliness is a strange thing. It can creep up, silently building despite the company around you or the activities keeping you occupied. For me, it begins as a dull ache in that unknown place where unarticulated longing and wants originate. I never know exactly what it is when it first comes, but looking back I always wonder how I didn't recognize that all too familiar feeling sooner.

I am an introvert at heart, and that becomes painfully obvious whenever I am feeling "off" in some way. Instead of seeking out the comfort and presence of others, I retreat farther into myself, digging myself into a dark hole that no one can seem to reach into.

Even on normal days I stretch myself to act according to social norms. Frankly, I could care less about what happened during that one lunch about a year ago or why so-and-so is doing whatever-it-is-now and how it is oh-so-important to your world. I live in the Natalie world, I recognize that, and Natalie is not happier after talking about stuff. I pretend to, and I'm fairly good at pretending. I have to be. Most people my age group expect everyone to be an extrovert of some sort, otherwise you aren't "fun" and "cool".

Sometimes I hate people my own age.

This game (yes, I think it's a game) exhausts me. It truly does. After my day, I usually retreat to my room and have "Me Time", when I can recharge by not being around anyone at all. When actors are rehearsing or performing scenes or monologues, they call "scene" to mark the end of the piece. When I walk through my door, I call "scene". Then my performance stops. However, when this loneliness sets in, I lose the ability to play along.

This loneliness, I have learned, can only be cured by spending time with my closest and dearest friends. We can actually talk to each other and listen in return. Not just wait for our turn to speak. They light up my world in a way few things can, and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Around them I don't feel pressured to be anything I am not, and that is such a relief. So much of life is a charade, being around them is a breath of fresh air.

This summer has taught me how dependent I am on that air. That worries me to some extent because a year from now I may be leaving C. Springs for quite some time. Maybe forever. I don't know. I need to learn how to live on my own, but not alone. In this day and age, friends are never more than a phone call or email away (unless they are in a foreign country), but nothing can substitute for their physical presence. Thanks to technology, I will never be fully alone, I know that. But I will be on my own, and that is something I have to get used to. Because this hole, this place of loneliness I have created for myself, it isn't a fun place to be.

It is true that no one can reach into this place to pull me out. But Someone was already there, in the dark, and is lovingly ready and willing to provide a footstool. As long as you are looking for it.

Sometimes I forget to look.


Psalm 139:7-12